


How Many Times

by Bofur1



Series: The Songs of Our Hearts [3]
Category: The Hobbit (Jackson Movies)
Genre: Angst and Hurt/Comfort, Dysfunctional Family, Minor Violence, inadvertent familial abuse, spells of madness
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-06-07
Updated: 2013-06-07
Packaged: 2017-12-14 04:40:05
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 982
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/832850
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Bofur1/pseuds/Bofur1
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Bofur's at the breaking point.</p>
            </blockquote>





	How Many Times

**Author's Note:**

> *warning* minor violence and resulting broken bone.

_It’s sad how someone can go_

_From being the reason_

_You wake up smiling,_

_To the reason_

_You cry yourself to sleep._

~Unknown~

 

“I just can’t do it!” Bofur screamed. “Not if I wanna keep m' ration'l mind!”

Bombur pursed his lips as he examined Bofur’s wrist. He had no response prepared, and his brother didn’t seem ready for one anyway. Bofur’s raving continued as Bombur began to bandage the broken bone.

“He’s always so sorry ’bout it, an’ I always forgive ’im, but there’re times, Bombur, I just wanna walk away an’ nev’r look back!” Bofur burst out. “This ’as been the last bit! I can’t stomach it anymore!”

“You don’t mean that,” Bombur replied softly.

Bofur swallowed around a lump in his throat. “I love Bifur,” he choked out in a whisper. “I really do. But he’s gettin’ outta control. It takes longer t’ get through t’ him when these spells happen, and he’s gettin’ so...so—” A sob burst out of him, followed by a keening moan. Bofur broke down, keeling over and burying his face in his hands. His broken wrist was fire, but the pain was trifling compared to the throbbing in his heart.

Bofur felt Bombur pull him into an embrace, but he couldn’t stop crying to hug him back. He hadn’t wept like this since Bifur’s accident had first occurred. Bofur buried his face in fistfuls of Bombur’s tunic, bawling out words made incoherent with his sobs.

“I can’t do it!” he howled into the fabric. “I can’t!” Bombur held his quaking form, silently enduring it all. Bofur was so grateful for Bombur’s patience and his cool head, but the only thing that Bombur couldn't give him was understanding. Whenever Bifur went into a mindless rage, it was always Bofur he targeted. Bofur was the victim every time, always the one who was thrown down and pommelled.

Bofur could taste again the terror on his tongue as Bifur had taken up a chair and hurled it at him. When Bofur had dodged it, Bifur had launched himself instead, body-slamming Bofur against the unyielding stone wall. In the next instant Bifur’s equally unyielding fists were beating on him. Bofur had cringed into himself on the floor, screaming for Bifur to wake up, but it didn’t happen; not until Bombur was there to crack their cousin over the head with the very chair he’d thrown at Bofur.

Bombur’s quiet voice broke into his thoughts. “Bofur. _Khâzash_.” Bofur looked up at him, residual tears trickling into his moustache. Bombur’s eyes were earnest. “He adores you. Practically worships you.”

“But—”

“I can see it every time he looks at you,” Bombur went on gently. “He _does_ love you. And he hates himself for doing this to you. It tortures him. But we’re family. We have to stick together.”

    

* * *

 

_I close my eyes and feelings flood through my veins,_

_My tears fall creating wounds on my skin,_

_Bleeding the pain of this impossible love._

_Because when I scream your name_

_There is no answer, only the silence of the waves_

_And the echo of my voice._

_For the many wounds caused by these tears I cry endlessly_

_To show you that I loved you,_

_I love you and will always love you._

~Unknown~

 

Bofur emerged from the kitchen, his broken wrist dangling uselessly at his side. He felt numb and cold inside, but there was also something else; some sense of dread and foreboding.

As soon as he saw Bifur sitting on the couch, Bofur’s mouth went dry. Unconsciously he hugged his arm a bit tighter to him. Bifur had his head bowed; perhaps Bofur could sneak past him unseen. However, Bofur’s boot scuffed against the floor, and Bifur heard it at once.

Bifur looked up and spotted Bofur, and he was immediately worried about him. Bifur jumped to his feet but Bofur flinched away from him, a scream pealing from his lips uninvited.

“ _No! Get away from me!_ ” he yelped. Bifur shrank back, eyes wide in horror. Bofur gulped, and in a trembling voice whispered, “I’m not ready t' talk, Bifur. Not yet.”

Bofur watched as the emotions contorted Bifur’s face. Angst. Dismay. Heartbreak. Bifur’s eyes became misty, and he ducked his head in shame. Bofur didn’t remain to watch his cousin weep. Instead he whirled and fled to his room, slamming the door.

After many long moments, Bofur took a shuddering breath. Dissolving again into tears, he collapsed onto his knees and began desperately to pray.

 

_Well everybody's got a story to tell_   
_And everybody's got a wound to be healed_   
_I want to believe there's beauty here_   
_Cause oh, I get so tired of holding on_   
_I can't let go, I can't move on_   
_I want to believe there's meaning here_   
  
_How many times have you heard me cry out_   
_"Lord please take this"?_   
_How many times have you given me strength to_   
_Just keep breathing?_   
_Oh I need you_   
_Mahal, I need you now._   
  
_Standing on a road I didn't plan_   
_Wondering how I got to where I am_   
_I'm trying to hear that still small voice_   
_I'm trying to hear above the noise_   
  
_How many times have you heard me cry out_   
_"Lord please take this"?_   
_How many times have you given me strength to_   
_Just keep breathing?_   
_Oh I need you_   
_Mahal, I need you now._   
  
_Oh I walk, oh I walk through the shadows_   
_And I, I am so afraid_   
_Please stay, please stay right beside me_   
_With every single step I take_   
  
_How many times have you heard me cry out?_   
_And how many times have you given me strength?_   
  
_How many times have you heard me cry out_   
_"Lord please take this"?_   
_How many times have you given me strength to_   
_Just keep breathing?_   
_Oh I need you_   
_Mahal, I need you now._   
  
_I need you now_   
_I need you now_

**Author's Note:**

> I don't own the song; it belongs to Plumb.
> 
> Khâzash: brother


End file.
